I'm going through one of my funks. Suddenly, I'm feeling really guilty about all of the time I spend at work - and not with Myles. I remind myself that I tried being a SAHM and absolutely did not feel cut out for the job. I craved being back at work, around adults and dealing with marketing and communication strategy. I have little to no support system around me and staying at home often felt lonely and very stressful. When I think about it, I know I don't want to be back in that place.
But that doesn't change the fact that I feel AWFUL when I drop him off in the morning. I wonder if I'm permanently damaging him by leaving him day after day, as he asks me not to. I wonder if he understands that he can still depend on me...and that I love him more than anyone (except his daddy)! I wonder if one day soon he will just stop asking me to be with him, for fear that the answer will be no. I just wonder what his mind can comprehend.
Then there's the whole issue of having a second child. My husband often talks about getting a vasectomy. I would have happily obliged a year, or maybe even 6 months ago. But as time goes on, I become more and more interested in another one. Then I start thinking about it, as I do everything. Here are the big strikes against having another:
1. I don't have enough time for Myles, let alone another child. He already only gets a few hours a day with me during the week. Do I really want to cut that in half?! I think not. And I've heard the argument about how having another will enable them to spend time together and not rely on me so much. I am sure that's true, but I don't like that thought. It's like I'm pawning them off on each other.
2. Financially, unless something changes, it wouldn't make a lot of sense for me to continue working when paying for childcare for 2. I believe we'd be paying about $400/week if they were both at the daycare Myles attends now. That's a lot of money. And that brings the discussion back to me not being so thrilled with being a SAHM.
3. In the event I did continue to work, I would have to deal with the guilt of dropping TWO kids off at daycare. And that is what I really can't imagine.
Couple these three big concerns with the stress of having two...going through the sleepless nights again, teething, etc. and it becomes much less appealing. I won't say at this point whether we will or will not have another. I've never been one to make decisions on emotion. As I said at the beginning of this post, I think WAY too much!
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5 comments:
Everyone told me, if you don't have a second one soon, you'll never do it. Don't think--just do it! :))
you've been tagged; hope you play along!
I can feel the anguish you are experiencing by reading your words. I know it's hard to leave your little guy in the care of others, but at the same time, Myles needs to socialize with lots of other kids. It will keep him stimulated, teach him how interpersonal skills, etc. I don't like that the daycare instructors did not acknowledge your arrival; so instead of beating yourself up over that, I would talk to the teachers. Let them know this is a hard transition for both you and Myles and it would help if they would welcome Myles when he comes in; so he feels more comfortable. It'll take some time to get into a groove, but I know he'll be just fine. As far as having a second baby, it sounds like there are more "cons" than "pros." I'd offer to babysit a friend's baby and see if you really want to go back to that stage. See how Myles reacts to having a baby take more attention from you and Billy. Don't overthink it. Trust in your faith, that if you are suppose to, then God will let you know:)
I'm replying to your last 2 blogs. When I moved Joshua from Jacque's house to daycare (about 2 months ago), I thought I'd made the wrong decision and I wanted to go get him and take him back to Jacque's everyday for the first week or two. :( I wasn't sure about the teachers, but his daycare has a web-cam so I made it very clear that I look in on him often. When he was going through the first few days, and he was grabbing me so I wouldn't go, I figured out how to teach the teachers to 'nurture' him...they are very good but they aren't real huggy. Instead of putting Joshua down when I got there, I kind of pushed him into their arms to hold him for a few seconds so I could leave and it worked...so now they know to act excited when he walks in the room, etc. He has gotten used to it and he actually told me out of the blue a few days ago "I have fun at school". Now, he still cries when Mitch drops him off sometimes, but I think he senses Mitch's anxiety about worrying about him crying and Joshua feeds on it. I just talk to Joshua about the art that he's going to make for me, etc...when we are walking in. I hope that helps a bit. I totally agree with patbachkristal on the social aspects / good things about daycare. :)
Being a working mom, i.e. away from home, causes a mom to face some troubling and difficult times. I went through those many years ago. My children are now adults. In fact, I think they are wonderful adults. There are definite advantages to daycare -- early learning opportunities, more socialization skills and others. I truly believe what is more important than whether a mom works away from home or not is whether the mom is a happy parent. A happy and fulfilled parent is in a better place emotionally and mentally to be a good parent.
Sherry
www.blondesherry.blogspot.com
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