The childcare dilemma

So this was a difficult morning. Myles has basically been on vacation for 2 weeks (with the exception of a few days) and today it was back to reality. Every working mom endures the challenge of who will help care for her child(ren). In our case, Myles is in daycare. He started about 4 weeks ago and the last 2 weeks have been chaotic with vacation.

This morning, when we arrived, he put on a forced smile as we walked up the steps to his 2nd floor classroom. He asked to be picked up, which I did. When we entered the classroom, there was some chaos, as something had obviously just happened with one of the students and the classroom mouse (yes, they have a pet mouse, "Mopsy," who is in a glass display). Amid everything, noone even acknowledged us or said good morning to Myles. I was crushed. I struggle enough with getting him to stay each morning without crying...I really need the teachers' help by at least greeting him and making him feel welcome! Not today. So I walked him over to the window where a few of the boys were gathered with some blocks. I told him to look out the window and told him I'd wave to him from outside. We'd never done this before.

He gave me a long hug and a kiss, I told him I love him and that I would be back soon for him. I reminded him before I left to watch for me out the window.

I raced down the stairs and into the parking lot and looked up. There are blinds on the windows so it's difficult to see. And while I couldn't see him, I did see little fingers poking between the blind slats exactly where I'd left him standing. I waved and smiled and blew him a kiss. I got in the car, rolled down the window and looked up again, still seeing those fingers.

This morning, it crushed me to leave him. I felt like I was leaving him alone. I cried when I got to work and have been sad all day. Every time I think of those little fingers, my eyes begin to fill up with tears.

As I said when I started this post, every working mom has to struggle with childcare. And while I am confident I want to work, I still question where I have him. I know I have to give it time, as he has only been there 4 weeks and they have been interrupted by vacation. I also know we have been very spoiled, as he's always been under the care of a nanny. But circumstances now have forced this transition. We really have no other options, other than for me to stay home. I know I don't want this. But I also know I don't want any more mornings like this one.