Mothering through emptiness

So my grandmother passed away unexpectedly May 1. I was shocked and numb. She lived in Philadelphia so I flew up Monday morning to attend the funeral and be with family. After much thought and prayer, I decided not to take Myles for a variety of reasons...the plane rides, having to attend a funeral, seeing people he knows and loves in such sad states, staying in a house with 2 flights of stairs, and more. 

I have to say as empty as I felt about my nana's death - and as difficult as it was to attend her funeral and write and read a eulogy - it doesn't compare to the emptiness I felt as I missed Billy and Myles. I spoke to him on the phone every night and he would ask for me in the morning. I did my best to prepare him for my departure by telling him Mama was getting on the big jet the day before and the day I departed. But he still cried when dropping me off and watching me walk away and my heart sank. I've tried to be peppy and energetic with him, as this is what he loves, but it's still tough as I continue to grieve. 

Billy did a great job keeping him active while I was gone. Both evenings I was gone they spent outdoors. We decided to keep that up tonight, on my first night back home. We picked him up together from Jade. I've never been held so tightly...what a feeling!!! Myles ran so hard and fast at me, he almost knocked me over. And he wouldn't let go, even to get into his car seat. When we left, we picked up Tijuana Flats to go and had a picnic at Phelps Park, followed by lots and lots of outdoor play. It was great family time and did a wonderful job to pick me up out of these doldrums I've been in for the last week. 

It's funny. When I'm having a day...or even a rough mommy moment...I often secretly long for some time away. But after having that, I found that nothing replaces my wonderful child. My heart literally thirsted for him every minute of every day. So I learned a much needed lesson about myself...those great days of being married without kids, and without a care in the world? I'd never, ever take them back.